We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
