I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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