I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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