I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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