If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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