I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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