You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
