Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize