well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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