Will you blow on my dice?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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