how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
