I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
