I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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