Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
