I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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