He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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