Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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