he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
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Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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