I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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