She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
as a side note pls kill me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
