You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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