I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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