I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
