Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
