Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
