fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
