there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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