we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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