we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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