question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
