Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You should frame my arrest warrant.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
