I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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