I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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