Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
