So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
