I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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