The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
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I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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