I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
