I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
