Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
