M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
