so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
