We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
