I want to stick my p in your. b.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
