Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
