OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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