I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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