I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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