i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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