Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
