wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
