from now on my penis is your penis
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
