and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
