Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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