Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
