Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
