Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
