It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I deserve this hangover.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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